Perception shifts in life

The view from my desk

The days of coffee and music to start my post may have come to a close. I already drank my coffee while walking the dog, and I am happy in the quiet as I sit at my desk and ponder life. 

This blog is supposed to be about creativity and living a creative life. But right now, this minute, I don't feel creative. I feel... Old? Still? Poised? Finite? All of those are true, none of them are bad, and none of them catch the full essence of this stage, this transition I am at in life. There really is something unique about the moment you truly acknowledge that there is more--probably MUCH more--behind you than ahead of you. Some special people probably go through life knowing that every moment counts and making the most of all of them. But I bet the majority are like me: blithely rushing ahead from one flower to the next with not only no concept of the limited scope of our lives, but with a blatant complacency that there is all the time in the world. 

This isn't the first time I've had a shift in my perception of life. The first was in my 20's or early 30's when I thought of all of the stupid, dangerous shit I did as a teenager and into my 20's, and was both appalled at my naivety, and grateful for my luck. I went from "I am immortal, nothing bad will ever happen to me" (the belief of all teenagers who get into cars with strangers, drink and drive, ride motorcycles at high speeds with no helmet on, party recklessly, and do a plethora of other really (really) dumb things) to "I have to be careful and keep myself safe, then I will live a long life".

The next time I started to see my place in life differently was as I approached 50, and I realized that there were doors that were absolutely closed to me. I would never be a doctor, or an astronaut, or serve in the military. Not that I wanted to do any of those things, but the idea I had had my entire life that I could do anything and be anyone I wanted was no longer true. Physically I could not go through a medical residency (that was more for my weight at them time than my age, but the feeling was the same). Nor would I be allowed to train to be an astronaut, or join the military: I was too old. Over the next decade, more and more doors closed. That I would never be a landscape architect was one that really stung. And it wasn't that I couldn't become one, it was that I believed I did not have the time left to build a successful career at it--I would be starting all over and losing all the life experience points I had gained up to then.

In spite of some negativity, those previous shifts felt more like a progression in life--a narrowing of focus if you will, whereas this one feels more like a readying for the end. How morbid! But, while it is my intent to live a full, active life till I'm at least in my nineties, I realize that I might only live to 67 or less... What if I only have five more years? There is so much left to see and do--and I don't mean things that will be left in my inbox. I am done caring about those. No one gets everything they're supposed to do done, or finishes every project they've ever started. But I think everyone wants to lie on their deathbed and think "I did everything I needed to do". And it will be hard to do that if I keep wasting my time on unimportant goals and unappreciated work. 

But it's hard to let go of the safety net! It's hard not to be afraid of ending up unable to support myself (a truly unrealistic possibility). Some part of me feels that I have to look for another job, and to use my skills for making money. But I want to be what I perceive of as selfish and spend my days doing the bare minimum of responsible things, and the absolute maximum of things that give me joy. I don't want to be "responsible" and get another job where I will be undervalued and unappreciated by a younger generation who is as blind to my worth as I was to those who came before me. I am still energetic, vibrant, smart, resourceful, dynamic, and soooo experienced. I have a lot to offer to a new employer, but do I want to? 

Where is this all coming from you might wonder. Well, I applied for unemployment for the first time in my life yesterday, and part of the process is looking for a new job. I did my duty, and while there were mostly positions that would not interest me in the least up on the job boards, there were a couple I felt drawn to--and one I even applied for. What if they call me? What about the creative project I have been hinting at and planning for? What DO I want to be when I grow up?!?