Musing

The wonderful spouse just brought me a large iced latte from McDonald's with no sweetener--my favorite coffee in the world. Listening to "If We Were Vampires" by Jason Isbell and the 400. This is one of my

favorite songs, and a poignant call-out to where I am--where we all are really--in life right now.

...If we were vampires and death was a joke
We'd go out on the sidewalk and smoke
And laugh at all the lovers and their plans
I wouldn't feel the need to hold your hand
Maybe time running out is a gift
I'll work hard 'til the end of my shift
And give you every second I can find
And hope it isn't me who's left behind
It's knowing that this can't go on forever
Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone
Maybe we'll get forty years together
But one day I'll be gone
Or one day you'll be gone...

And "Turn the Page" by Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band just came on. Man, Spotify is really messing with me this morning!

So what does one do with a bunch of new free time on her hands while waiting at the fork in the road for a sign on which direction she should go? She meditates. Does it go well? No, no it does not. I get no effing birds. Let me explain...

I got Dave a Muse for his birthday, and he loves it. So I got one for me at the end of the year. The way it works is that it reads your brain waves and gives you auditory feedback on how calm you are as you listen to waves, or rain, or a river, or (mostly) something else to do with water. As your brain calms, the water sounds gentle. When you get really calm, you hear birds. When we meditate together, Dave turns on birds only so we aren't drowned in water sounds. What this means for me is that I hear waves crashing against rocks in a hurricane from my app and Dave's sounds like he's in an aviary.

Dammit, I FEEL calm! And, yet, yesterday I got one lousy bird. One! And I was only "calm" for 5% of the meditation. Is it the caffeine? Should I meditate before coffee? I don't know if I can do anything before coffee--anything that requires staying awake anyway. Or is it just me? Am I wired all the time? Two days in a row, three birds total. Grumble, grumble, grumble. 

This morning's music is really funny--"Straight To Hell" by Drivin N Cryin just slid into "Ruby and Carlos" by James McMurtry. For those not familiar with the songs, the lyrics go from 

"As we walked into the sun
A new days promise had
Begun
We'll make it alone
Whether you like it or not
I turned and shouted
Help me mother
I'm going straight to hell
Just like my mama said
I'm going straight to hell" 

to 

"...And holding back the flood
Just don't do no good
You can't unclench your teeth
To howl the way you should
So you curl your lips around
The taste of tears and the hollow sound
That no one owns but you
No one owns but you" 

Okay, so maybe I'm not as calm as I thought I was. As I finishing writing, "Sweet Jane" comes on. (Sadly by Mott the Hoople and not the Lou Reed and the Velvet Underground version, but the lyrics are almost the same. Unlike the Cowboy Junkies version. They seem to have missed the point completely.)

"...And there's always some evil mothers

They'll tell you life is just full of dirt

And that women never really faint

And that villains always blink their eyes

And that children are the only ones who blush

'Cause life is just to die

But, anyone who has a heart

He wouldn't want to turn around and break it

And anyone who ever played their part

He wouldn't want to turn around and hate it"

I'll take it.