Woke up this morning from a vivid dream in which I left Dave and ran away with James McMurtry (who in the dream was madly in love with me and already had been married and divorced nine times) and headed out to give Princess Buttercup her morning bottle. It's an overcast, chilly late summer day here in Montana, and as I fed the Buttercup, I reflected on my dream, my summer, and my life. Reflection led me to thoughts of posting, and I naturally fell into old patterns of "what haven't I" and I nestled into a sky chair on the deck and began thusly:
I intended to do so many things this summer. For example, I intended to have coffee when I sat down to write this post. I put water in the reservoir, a filter in the basket, grounds in the filter, adjusted the water spout, and turned the coffeemaker on. And yet when I came back from feeding the yak her bottle, there was no coffee--the coffeemaker was not plugged in. Now the summer in Montana is 3/4 over and we go back to Atlanta a month from today.
Back in the spring when I was planning the summer and making my packing lists, I had grandiose plans for making shirts for Dave out of the fabric I have bought over the past 11 years for just that purpose, spinning up all my fiber, weaving a rug, finishing crocheting an afghan I started for Jessie last year (the year before?), and setting up a soap studio for Jessie and me and a production glass studio for me. I was going to walk every day and take Gallifrey to the dog park at least three times a week. I was going to post every day. I dreamt of sunny days munching on fruit and salads and gradually shedding excess weight slowly, easily, and naturally.
One of the projects I had planned was finishing the garden I started last summer. I got the area cleared and weed cloth put down last year, this year I needed to build a small retaining wall in back, fill in the dirt, and plant all the roses. So far on that one I bought the stone for the retaining wall and had it delivered. I also had a big project of tiling the downstairs bathroom which needed a lot of work after the house flooded in December. That project did get done, but not by me. I wimped out and let the tile guys lay all the tile for the floor, shower and walls. Sure, I chose and picked up the tile, designed the layout and made some fused glass tile to go in the accent strip, but then I just peeked in occasionally and said "looks great!".
Then I started to write how I hadn't done anything on the projects starting with the section on the tile and then backtracking to the preceding paragraph so I could write how I hadn't walked, was drinking lots of wine and oj (I know, it's odd, but I'm getting more vitamins, minerals, and water than I would be if I just drank the wine) and eating lots of heavy carbs and buttery sauces...
And then I had a Cher/Nicolas Cage moment where I was both of them in Moonstruck and I slapped myself while yelling "Snap out of it!". Sure, I brought a lot of things out from Atlanta that I'll have to schlepp back again untouched, but so what? In the grand scheme of life, so the f*k what?!?! This summer I am on the grand adventure of bottle-feeding and raising a baby yak to be an Irish wolfhound. I helped shear 24 alpaca. I started a new business (farm2yarn) including setting up a webpage, an Etsy site and a Facebook page and store. I mined for sapphires, rafted on the river, learned to use a GoPro camera, did some crochet, some spinning, and some glass.
Some days I just play solitaire on my laptop or bejeweled on my iPhone for most of the day. Some days I read. Some days--like today--I start a post and then get distracted by helping J with Fireking Creations (her new jewelry business) and then it's time for a glass of wine as I finish the post. After I post I'll dine, then I'll feed and commune with the yak.
This is life, with all its sloth, and gluttony, and joy, and bursts of frenzied activity, and things left undone, and things left unstarted... it's MY life! And it's okay to live without commemorating, and live without doing, and live without exercising or enriching my mind or bettering myself in any way. It's enough if I believe that what I am doing is living because if it is living, it's worthwhile. Amen.