Retirerment One Year In

Sunrise lights the clouds in the north

I play a lot of solitaire. I'm just putting that out there.

Dave has been suggesting recently--some days more forcefully than others--that I need to learn how to retire. This morning--as I am up, showered, dressed, teeth-brushed, and coffee finished- all by 7:45 am, and I have nothing planned for the day--I can see his point. This is the first day this year--and in this house for that matter--that I have been up before 8:00 without needing to be. Maybe before 8:30 or 9:00. Let's be honest: I rarely bestir myself till about 9:45. Oh, I'm awake: I check text messages, maybe read the news, my email, or whatever book I'm in the midst of,  play solitaire, and snuggle under the down comforter till the sun is well and truly up. Many mornings Dave brings me coffee in bed. Today I was restless. I was awake, and I got up, but there was no bounce in my bungee. I loaded the dishwasher as my coffee brewed, and saw a life full of repetitive daily tasks stretching ahead of me as far as I could see. This can't be what retirement is meant to be.

I had coffee with a friend in Missoula who is also retired the other week, and he said it's important to take it slow. Unfortunately, I have never done slow well. So far retirement has meant... Huh. I can't even remember what I did for the first few months. I know that when we made the annual migration to Montana in June, I threw myself into home renovation projects (for a home we are no longer keeping), then got mired in the idea of buying a greenhouse/nursery business, then we decided to move here permanently, and I headed back to Texas to pack and ready that house for sale. Getting everything out of that house took five months--and is arguably still not done. But what is left there is Not My Problem. (except for a last little load in the garage). The estate sale person is donating the rest. Anyway, before I knew it, it was the winter holidays, and there is no such thing as a normal life at that time of year for anyone so I didn't even think about retirement.

But now it's mid January. I got through the first half of the month working on Dave's coat, but it's mostly done now (he wears it every time he goes out), and I am left facing Life again. Don't get me wrong--this is not a poor-poor-pitiful-me-my-life-is-so-hard-because-all-I-have-is-free-time rant. I think a lot of people go through an episode of life-re-evaluation in January (hence the prevalence of resolutions and new gym memberships). I also think it's more difficult for the newly-ish retired. I am just trying to work through it out loud here. 

I need structure, but it's difficult coming up with an enjoyable structure. And what's the point of a structure that's NOT enjoyable? Retirement is supposed to be one's Golden Years. Shangri-La. The pot of time at the end of the rainbow. It's NOT supposed to be more time for housework or all the other drudgery that you got to put off before because you were working. 

Balance. That's what I need. Balance between the want-to's and the have-to's. When you are working, the have-to structure is imposed upon you by your job and then by your home and family--unless your home and family is your job, in which case you already had to struggle through the balance issue. It's easy to do a few hours a week on your non-job-how-to's, and then take the rest of your free time for your want-to's. You can justify it.

My problem thus far has been justifying my time choices to myself since I'm no longer "working". I find myself cleaning, or doing bookkeeping, or unpacking, and none of those things make we want to bounce out of bed and start my day. I feel guilty if I don't do something with my time that I feel advances the quality of our life here (cleaning... bookkeeping... unpacking). But that's MY problem. That's all in MY mind--Dave is certainly not pushing me that way.

Let's look at this a different way. My "job" now is to do all the things I planned to do when I finally had time--sewing, weaving, spinning, woodworking, stained glass, ceramics, jewelry, crocheting, knitting, writing a novel, blogging, learning new skills, gardening, equine husbandry, baking, meditating, walking, strength and balance exercises. Those things need to occupy the majority of my day. Then cleaning, bookkeeping, and organizing can fill in around them like they have always filled in around my "job". No guilt. Life is too short--and feeling shorter every day.